1. Boston Red Sox – (all in a Boston accent) Man do I hate them moah than those gold-chain and backwahds fitted hat wearin’ Yanks. The team just won the World Sehries in pretty easy fashion. How can I bet against ‘em? They have the same loyneup. Heck, if they strengthen theahr second base and catcha positions, there will be no stawpin’ ‘em.
2. New York Yankees – They added Adam Ottavino and Troy Tulowitzki. Their bullpen is filthy. They have enough home run hitters to knock it over that 200-foot right field wall. This team is poised to win 100 games. I dread watching a bunch of gold chains and bare-chested Yankee fans banging the padded outfield walls during the playoffs, but it’s going to happen, so I’ve just accepted it.
3. Tampa Bay Rays – This team was sneaky good last year. 90 wins and no one talked about them. Their analytics department is one of the best in baseball. They added Mike Zunino. They have an all-around solid team. They might be able to land that second wild card.
4. Toronto Blue Jays – They’ll hold Vlad Guerrero down until he works on his defense or loses weight until he magically figures it all out around a Super Two cutoff date. They are obviously rebuilding because they can’t compete with the top three teams above them.
5. Baltimore Orioles – This team is brutal. Unless Trey Mancini, Chris Davis, and Mark Trumbo find strokes again, they may lose 120 games.
1. Cleveland Indians – They were rumored to be in talks with teams about trading Kluber or Bauer. They didn’t. Their lineup is still solid and they don’t have much competition in the Central.
2. Minnesota Twins – The Twins might be sneaky this season, unfortunately. Nelson Cruz at the DH helps. Berrios is a future Cy Young winner. They have talent. Joe Mauer isn’t still on them, right?
3. Chicago White Sox – They didn’t land any marquee free agents. We know why. Moncada and Anderson will take steps forward. We can maybe even see the same from López and Rodón. Eloy will be up right around April 15 for some reason, and Abreu can stay healthy. They’re poised to win about 75 games…MAX.
4. Kansas City Royals – They’re somehow going to be worse than the Sox. They have some fast guys…I guess.
5. Detroit Tigers – They may trade Castellanos and Josh Harrison by the end of the season. Look for them to round off an VERY weak AL Central in 2019.
1. Houston Astros – Come on. It’s the Astros. My guy Alex Bregman will be in the MVP race and finish second to Michael Trout. Altuve, Correa, Cole, Verlander, Springer, etc. It’s still a loaded team.
2. Oakland A’s – I doubt they live up to what they did last year. They were a sneaky good team, but they also had Trevor Cahill and Edwin Jackson put together their best seasons. Not to mention, their closer was Blake Treinen. Treinen is back, but I don’t see this team being better than 2018. Maybe they’ll surprise me.
3. Los Angeles Angels – They got Trout. They got Ohtani. They’ll get 82 wins or something.
4. Seattle Mariners – They’re rebuilding. Kikuchi hides the ball better than a magician with a card up his sleeve. They have some youthful talent, but again that’s about it this season.
5. Texas Rangers – This is just not a very good team. That rotation is absolutely atrocious.
1. Washington Nationals – Eaton could be at full health. Maybe Drake LaRoche will lead them to a World Series. I don’t know. Losing Harper didn’t necessarily kill this team. They added Yan Gomes, as well.
2. Philadelphia Phillies – Harper joins them, and so does Cutch. This team is good now. The rotation needs some work, but the lineup can do the heavy lifting.
3. Atlanta Braves – They added Donaldson, but compared to the rest of the division, they didn’t improve as much over the offseason.
4. New York Mets – The rotation is always good, and everyone gets hurt by week 3 because their training staff is worse than coffee breath. Cano can always hit. Lowrie was a nice addition. The same goes for Wilson Ramos and Edwin Diaz. If the staff is healthy, this team is solid.
5. Miami Marlins – That sounds about right.
1. Milwaukee Brewers – They added Grandal to catch. The rest of the team is the same. This is an easy pick, but after another year in Wisconsin, the beer and cheese curds could take a toll on their already shaky rotation.
2. Chicago Cubs – Watch them win the World Series because I put them here. If they don’t have injuries, this team can win the division.
3. St. Louis Cardinals – Goldschmidt was a heckuva addition. Maybe Fowler can stay healthy. This bullpen is still shaky, though. The Cardinals could have the “worst” farm in the majors and still somehow make the playoffs for 10 straight years. Never count them out. Yadi will be catching ’til 2030.
4. Cincinnati Reds – The Reds added Kemp and Puig. They also added Sonny Gray. This team could surprise some people. That lineup is sneaky stacked.
5. Pittsburgh Pirates – This team is so-so. Unfortunately, they’re playing in one of the toughest divisions in baseball. Looks like they’ll be walking the plank again this year (I’ll see myself out).
1. Los Angeles Dodgers – They’re still good. Kershaw is experiencing injury issues again, sadly. The rest of the team is good. They added Pollock. Catcher could be shaky, but this is still a good ball club.
2. Colorado Rockies – They extended Arenado. This is a morale boost. They’re still good.
3. San Diego Padres – They added the prized possession, Manny Machado. Watch out for Franmil Reyes. They dude hits for power. Tatis, Jr. will be up around the same time as Eloy and Vlad. This team is the ultimate kick to the stomach for White Sox fans. Thank GOD, they play on the west coast.
4. San Francisco Giants – This team is not very strong. Their best players are older than Cub fans’ jokes about how no one goes to Sox games.
5. Arizona Diamondbacks – They’re as weak as George Costanza without his glasses.
AL Playoffs: Red Sox, Indians, Astros, Yankees (WC), Rays (WC)
NL Playoffs: Dodgers, Nationals, Brewers, Cubs (WC), Phillies (WC)
World Series: Yankees vs. Nationals, Yankees = Champions