Alexa, play “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” by My Chemical Romance.
Welcome back to the weekly installment of Kev’s Gambling Corner. If the opening above is any indication of how the last two weeks have gone, one can assume it can only get better from here. Last week, I went 2-4 with two painful beats:
- A missed two-point conversion by Iowa with 2:41 left (lost by five, the spread was 3.5)
- Three (3) defensive penalties by Baltimore on the final garbage-time drive by the Bengals. Two of the penalties came on third and long. ONE WAS THIRD AND 24. The Bengals scored a TD with 1:28 left to lose by six (the spread was 11.5)
I went to sleep on Sunday night disenchanted with the idea of writing any more articles. There were early sunsets over Monroeville. But then, something happened. I woke up Monday feeling dangerous (not of the Baker Mayfield variety). I thought to myself, mama ain’t raise no quitter. I refuse to go less than .500 this week. I’m hereby proclaiming myself to be a sharp. These are my famous last words.
Alexa, play “The Sharpest Lives” by My Chemical Romance.
A few things to note:
- $1 to the first five people who can tell me how many My Chemical Romance songs are referenced throughout this article. Spoiler, it’s more than one. If you haven’t noticed them yet, you’re probably not going to win.
- You may be asking yourself, “But Kev, why My Chemical Romance? Isn’t that kind of depressing?” Well, my friends, such is the life of a gambler. It’s the magical illusion of hitting that 17-team parlay, but missing it by 15 games. Then you’re dead (free song reference).
- I think I’m an under guy now. Or at least a Tennessee Titans under guy. 17 punts!
- Similar to last week, I’m aggressively stressed out over the outcome of these picks. My doctor is going to inform me that my future cancer (2nd free song reference) was brought on by stress, and I blame all of you. I’m a hot mess. Enjoy!
Los Angeles Rams -3 @ Atlanta Falcons
The Falcons defense has been anything but special this season. They rank 20th against the run and 27th against the pass. Dan Quinn was brought in as a stellar defensive-minded head coach. Matt Ryan isn’t playing as well as he used to, and Matt Bryant missed a field goal to send the game to overtime. These aren’t the kids from yesterday. The team is falling apart, and this might be the last straw before the plug is pulled on Quinn. The Rams are coming off three straight losses to respectable teams. The Falcons are not currently a respectable team. Todd Gurley should be back, and they’ll hammer him for 150 yards and two TDs. Reference the GIF below for my reaction after the first quarter when the score is already 21-0 (hopefully Rams). Also, this.
Pick: Rams -3
The Tennessee Titans Under of the Week
Forewarning, I’m putting this in the article until it fails me. It’s the only constant in my life right now, and I think I’m okay with that. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m an under guy now. Over the last four games, the Titans have scored 7, 24, 7, and 0 points. The 24 point slugfest came against the all-powerful Atlanta Falcons defense. They have the San Diego (LA?) Chargers coming to town, who have Philip Rivers. At this point in time, it seems the only thing Rivers is focused on is procreating and taking the play clock down to three. Don’t watch this game.
Pick: Under 39.5
Chicago Bears Pick of the Week:
I have no faith in the Bears offense at this point. As you can tell by the never-ending My Chemical Romance references, vampires will never hurt you. Wait, sorry, that was another song reference. Take the better quarterback (hint, it’s not Mitch).
Pick: Saints +3.5
Michigan @ Penn State Over/Under 45.5
Everyone: Michigan has a great defense. Penn State hasn’t given up more than 13 points in a game this year. Blah blah blah.
Me: Hammer the over.
If everyone is telling me to do something, I’m doing the opposite. I’m a sharp now (see above). I need to fade the public just like you all should have been fading me. If Wisconsin was able to exploit this Michigan defense, I’m very excited to see what Penn State can do at home under the lights. Sean Clifford had his first true road game at Iowa (again, insert Maryland football joke here) and played extremely well in a very tough environment. As far as the Michigan offense, I don’t love you. Give me a reason to love you. Give me points. Give me home run bombs.
Pick: Over 45.5
The “Bet Against Rutgers” Bet of the Week
Minnesota -28 @ Rutgers
Rutgers has scored seven points over its last three games. Not seven points in each game, seven points total. This includes losses to Maryland and Indiana by 35 in both contests. They appear to be worse than a high school team full of teenagers. Apparently, it’s Homecoming this week at Rutgers. I can only assume that means they run out of the tunnel in their all-black uniforms to “Welcome to the Black Parade.” Back off Rutgers. My Chem is my thing this week.
Pick: Minnesota -28 Row the Boat
The Blindly Follow Me Because You’re a Degenerate Pick:
Tennessee +34.5 @ Alabama
You don’t make money betting against Bama. Did I use this last week? Whatever. I’m putting my shades on inside Saturday night while Saban leads me to victory. This is how I disappear.
Pick: Bama -34.5
Featured Photo: Getty Images