Let me just start by saying I don’t dislike the David Ross hire. He wasn’t the candidate I wanted as ‘the’ choice, but I’ve got no beef. Since all appears to be set with Grandpa Rossy as the new skipper, I couldn’t help but wonder “What other former Dancing with the Stars (DWS) contestants would I want to see as manager for the Cubs?” Without further ado, leggo.
Tatum O’Neal (Season 2, finished 9th out of 10)
The Cubs had good seasons from Yu Darvish and Kyle Hendricks, but outside of that, Jon Lester is aging, Jose Quintana just doesn’t look the same as when he was with the White Sox, and barring a free agent signing, we could have Tyler Chatwood fill out the rotation. What we need is new blood; a new way of seeing and thinking about pitching. Why not bring in Tatum O’Neal, who played pitcher Amanda Whurlizer in the original 1976 The Bad News Bears? She had a nose for the strike zone and was a trailblazer on the mound. It could be just what we need to keep the championship window open.
Vivica A. Fox (Season 3, finished 8th out of 11)
Sometimes when you hit a rough patch with a “player’s manager,” the natural instinct is to go the polar opposite. A no-nonsense stern presence to put the ship back on course, like a Joe Girardi. But why stop there? If we want someone capable of whipping anything into shape, Vivica showed us her chops as Loretta Black on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Just try to fall into a slump with her on your tail. Also, I have a close friend who was in the movie Juwanna Mann with Viv, no big deal.
Steve Guttenberg (Season 6, finished 10th out of 12)
Some people are pointing towards finding a coach with previous experience and a championship pedigree, and I agree there can be tremendous value in that. Why not go with someone who’s taken a team of misfits all the way to the promised land? In Disney’s The Big Green, Guttenberg helps the children of Elma, Texas win the championship, he gets the girl, and he proves able to adapt to something out of his comfort zone. Those are all traits every good coach should have.
Bindi Irwin (Season 21, finished 1st out of 13)
Everybody loves a winner — although I’d argue Cubs fans loved the team more before winning the World Series than after — so having a history of triumph certainly helps. Additionally, hiring Ross feels like an extension of the Maddon tree. If we are going to bring in someone to be chummy with the players and who likes goofy themes and team-building events, why not hire someone who already owns one of the most prolific zoos in all the world? That would at least cut down on the cost of such eccentricity. Plus her dad was the damn Croc Hunter.
Bill Nye (Season 17, finished 11th out of 12)
While the Cubs aren’t living in the dark ages of analytics, they have room for serious improvements. Who better to lead us to the age of statistical enlightenment than Bill Nye the Science Guy? Dude is a legit baseball guy, and if the Celebrity All-Star Softball Games means half as much to you as it does to me, you already know that Nye has ice water in his veins and that he can walk the walk.
Best of luck to David Ross and the Cubs. If he has any issues selecting his coaching staff, I like to think I’ve left him a pretty airtight blueprint.
Featured Photo: ABC/Eric McCandless