Welcome back to what we’ll categorize as a “power rankings for fatasses.” I am your host, Patrick Comiskey, and today we’re going to dive into hamburgers. There are no bad burgers, only better.
There are several thousand fast-food burger joints across America. We, the greatest country this world has ever seen, enjoy a good burger. Throw some french fries on the side of that bad boy and you have one happy, tubby human-being.
Not all burgers are created equally. Some of these fast food joints actually give a shit and put some art into their burgers. Other places, specifically the one ran by a literal clown, slap a paper-thin piece of cow on a stale bun, throw it at you and say, “eat it, you piece of shit.”
People seem to go nuts about the likes of In-N-Out and Whataburger. I’ve seen the pictures, they look phenomenal. Unfortunately, I’ve never been summoned to the west coast to indulge in such delicacies. So for that reason, they will not be included in the ranking. Let’s dive in. Grab a napkin, this is going to get messy.
I didn’t know the health department had an exempt list, but apparently Checkers is on it. This place is disgusting. Those little ketchup cups are actually meant to catch the grease at Checkers.
The burger itself is bland as hell. They just throw random condiments on there, shake it around the bag, and hope you don’t die.
When you finish eating it (and you should have never started), just hope you’ll be able to walk out of there without having a heart attack. That grease is clogging your arteries as we speak. Have some self-respect and make better decisions.
9. McDonald’s Quarter Pounder
Some of these joints have multiple different burgers. I present you with each one’s best option. For McDonald’s, it’s the quarter pounder.
This thing used to be better. A few years back, the quarter pounder would probably have elevated McDonald’s a little higher on this list. However, in 2019, such is not the case.
The burger portion has zero flavor. None, whatsoever. It has uncooked onions. Onions are better cooked. It’s not rocket science, Ronald, figure it out.
This patty leaks meat juice like you wouldn’t believe. Don’t believe in that clown’s marketing. He’s full of shit, McDonald’s stinks.
8. Culver’s Butter Burger
Time to jump into the overrated option on this list. Culver’s takes the cake. The idea sounds good. The execution is less than impressive.
I think people go to Culver’s just to say they don’t eat McDonald’s. Congrats. You’re like beer snobs who drink dog piss just to say you are too good for a domestic.
Culver’s also has the worst damn fries on the planet. Say what you will, but a good french fry can help mask a shit burger. Take notes, Culvers, you stink too.
7. Steak ‘n Shake’s Frisco Melt
We’ve made it through the trash. Welcome to the section where we get to say positive things about the food. Personally, I prefer to be negative. It’s more fun. Alas, here we are.
Steak ‘n Shake deserves credit for typically staying open literally all night. They even let you come in and sit down. I’ve probably annoyed a good number of waitresses at 2:30 in the morning during my late-night endeavors. Props to them for tolerating me.
On to the frisco melt. It’ll do things to your stomach. However, if the food is good, do you really give a shit? The meat itself is so-so. Way too thin. But the sauce, man. The frisco sauce could be its own dish. I’d dive headfirst into it. Pair that bad boy up with a peanut butter milkshake and you’ll be heavy on happiness, but also heavy on the scale. Whatever, just do it. We’re not here for a long time, we’re here for a good time.
6. Burger King’s Bacon King
I’ll start by saying one thing. The general moron loves to underrate Burger King. People love to pretend that McDonald’s is better because they’re better at marketing. I am not a sheep and you shouldn’t be either.
Burger King’s fries put McDonald’s to shame. Yes, I said it, piss off. Their burgers are also ten times better as well. I’ve never been in the BK kitchen, so I don’t know if they actually flame broil those things, but it sure tastes like they do, and it definitely makes the difference.
The bacon king is phenomenal. It doesn’t make sense either. I generally don’t think a good burger needs bacon, the bacon king obviously has it. I am also not the biggest fan of mayo on a burger. Again, this burger has it. Mustard is the world’s greatest condiment, and this patty-bun combination is without it. Throw all logic out the window, this is one hell of a burger.
5. Five Guys
Five Guys is one hell of a roller coaster. Yes, it’s pretty good. Emphasis, however, is on “pretty good.” It’s nothing to go absolutely bat-shit insane about though.
It’s a good burger. Where Five Guys gets off charging $100 for it is beyond me. Once was enough. Knock it off, Five Guys, you aren’t that big time.
You hate to have a good burger ruined by a damn credit card bill. Beyond that though, the burger is good. It doesn’t taste like your average fast-food burger. At least they have that going for them.
4. Hardee’s Monster Thickburger
“Monster” is the perfect name for this bad boy. Look at it, it’s glorious. This slab of meat is a two-hander (that’s what she said).
Yeah, yeah, I just claimed to not like bacon and mayo on a burger and threw two that have such composition back-to-back. Whatever, I guess that’s my inner stupid trying to come out. That or the inner fatty, pick one, both are true.
The flavor explodes in your mouth (she said that one too). This one is greasy as well, but it’s a good greasy. Nobody likes it dry. You need a little moisture to help it go down. Maybe I should stop. Eating gets wild sometimes, so get hard for Hardee’s one time.
3. Wendy’s Dave’s Double
Wendy’s wins marketing. Their Twitter account is phenomenal. If you’re going to be a dick, you have to back up your talk. Wendy’s definitely does it. They dominate the fast-food world with that four for four shit, but the real crown jewel is the Dave’s Double.
The single is also good. But you get more bang for your buck. The triple, however, is doing a little too much. Nobody needs that much meat in their mouth (stop it).
The taste is almost hard to describe. It is very distinct. They claim the meat is fresh, and it probably is because that’s one tasty piece of meat. The fries are phenomenal as well. Again, that matters. Shout out Wendy’s, you are America’s sweetheart.
2. Fuddruckers Custom Burger
Listen here. Does Fuddruckers count as your typical fast-food burger? Maybe not. But there isn’t a shot in hell that they are getting left off this list. Holy hell, it is phenomenal.
The ability to customize your burger is perfect. They can’t screw it up because you are in charge. Go up to the counter and pick your burger size. Take the one-pounder. You can handle it, don’t be soft. Believe in yourself. Now pick the cheese, you can’t possibly screw that one up. Now, take it on over to their buffet of condiments. Oh, baby.
They have it all, man. Ketchup, mayo, mustard, relish, barbecue sauce, hot sauce. Lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, jalapeños, all that shit. Hell, throw it all on there. And now the crown jewel: Fuddrucker’s jalapeño cheddar cheese sauce. Throw that shit on the burger, throw it on their potato wedges, throw it straight down your god damn throat. Fuddruckers is heaven on Earth.
1. White Castle
Nobody loves you quite like those who take care of you when you’re drunk. And let’s be honest, nobody caters to the drunk quite like White Castle. Those sliders are miracle workers. They’re also miniature, so the calories don’t count. It’s science, look it up.
The double slider is the way to go. The slivered onions complement the burger unlike any combination in the history of food. Pickles belong on all burgers, so naturally White Castle has ‘em.
I will go to war for White Castle. People like to badmouth them. That is absolutely unacceptable in my mind. If you think you’re too good for it, then I’m too good for you. I hope they cater my wedding. Everyone goes nuts for a slider and if they don’t, they don’t belong at said wedding.
Chicago’s best sight-seeing can be done on Cicero avenue where there is a White Castle on every street corner. That, right there, is how you find the greatest fast-food burger known to man.
The burger: as American as baseball and apple pie. Everyone has their own spin on it. Some will throw mac ‘n cheese on it, that’s a mistake. Others will throw a fried egg on it, sign me up. But sometimes you need it quick and less-fancy. That’s where the fast-food joints come in clutch. Today’s winner is White Castle. Hell, every day’s winner is White Castle. Sliders for all.
Featured Photo: Mel Magazine