One of the most underrated holidays of the year, Thanksgiving, is upon us. Think of it as Christmas without the expectation of gifts and better food. It’s our duty as human beings to rank said food and then argue about each other’s taste buds. We can all change our taste buds so it makes a ton of sense to argue about said opinions. It’s a tale as old as time.
I am tough when it comes to ranking Thanksgiving foods solely because I keep it as basic as possible. There is only one opportunity to eat foods served on Thanksgiving, so I load up on those and leave no room for the sideshow fluff.
This is by far the most important piece of Thanksgiving. Without the big ol’ bird, there is no Thanksgiving. There is not much more to say about the turkey. I love turkey. I love turkey sandwiches. It has always been very high on my list of meats. While we are at it, I am absolutely sick of all the hate turkey is getting on the line these days. I want you to close your eyes for a second. Imagine yourself sitting down at Thanksgiving. Your mouth is watering from the aroma. You open your eyes to feast on your plate. You look down. Ham. The turkey is replaced with ham. Gravy doused all over a piece of ham. Sounds gross. Without turkey, there is no Thanksgiving, so enough with the turkey hate.
Gravy: the garnish of the entire Thanksgiving meal. The gravy allows everything to slide down your throat with ease. Think about trying to eat Thanksgiving dinner without gravy, Aunt Bertha is now giving you the Heimlich. If the turkey is the Kris Bryant of Thanksgiving, then the gravy is Anthony Rizzo. The Cubs are not World Series Champions without their MVP, but someone has to keep that entire team together. Anthony Rizzo and gravy. Those two bring everything together. Who would have thought I would be comparing gravy to Anthony Rizzo? You never know what you’re gonna get here folks! Lastly, gravy is usually only served at Thanksgiving, so do not go easy on the gravy. Fuller should have gone easy on the Pepsi, but do not do the same with the gravy.
I initially had stuffing in this spot, but I then decided am done being bullied by society. Sure, we only get stuffing once a year, but the mashed potatoes/gravy combo is one that simply cannot be beaten. I will also admit I am biased, potatoes are one of my favorite foods, period. They are the most versatile food on Earth, but that topic is best saved for an entirely different article.
Question for the masses: why do we as a society only eat stuffing one day of the year? It’s a damn shame that this wonderful smorgasbord of goodness only gets enjoyed once a year. Stuffing is fantastic and should be enjoyed more often. End of story.
I am about to give you a vital, veteran tip for your Thanksgiving meal. You might usually skip the crescent roll or eat it with butter at the beginning of your meal like an amateur. When you are in line on Thursday, grab a crescent roll. At the end of the meal, this crescent roll will act as a Zamboni. Take that bad boy and make sure your plate is clean, then make sure to brag to your Grandma/Aunt/Mother that you are part of the clean plate club. They won’t think it is weird if a man in their 20s/30s does that, I promise…
I understand if you want to waste your valuable stomach real estate with vegetables. That is just not for me. I take my fork and load it up as such: turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy. Every single bite. Wash, rinse, repeat. You only get this combination once a year, and it truly is one of the great wonders in life.
Happy Thanksgiving folks!
P.S. Apple pie is the go-to pie choice for dessert. Pumpkin pie is trash.
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