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Five Restaurant Chains That Have no Business Staying in Business

Food is an art, or at least it should be. Some of these chains can’t trouble themselves to color inside the lines.

We are in the golden age of food. Drive down the street, there are hundreds of options on what you can eat. Hell, you don’t even have to leave your house. Grubhub and other delivery outlets will bring that shit straight to your door, you lazy piece of shit. Scrolling through such apps present you with tough decisions. Where should you get food from?

So, welcome back to a series that has been dubbed the “power rankings for fatasses.” This is book three in what is hoped to be a rather long series. This book is a portion of the series that is riddled with unfortunate events. If you missed the previous two, we ranked the best fast food pizza chains and the best fast food burgers. Check them out. However, today is about the places that don’t measure up.

Typically, chains are rather mediocre. Some are pretty good. Texas Roadhouse can whip up a pretty decent steak. However, some of these places are straight-up shit. Every single time you drive past them and see cars in their parking lots, you are reminded that there are stupid people everywhere.

Food is an art, or at least it should be. Some of these chains can’t trouble themselves to color inside the lines. You’ll see their commercials offering up insane deals. That should be a red flag. They have to trick you to come in and find a way to keep their dog food down. Let’s dive knee-deep into this shit.

5. TGI Friday’s

Thank Goodness there Is other Fucking options. Friday’s has a rather large variety of different types of food. That typically isn’t a good thing, as it’s usually a strong indicator that the restaurant doesn’t do any of the varieties well. Such is the case with Friday’s.

This chain has 870 locations nationwide. That is approximately 870 too many. I mean seriously, be smarter America. What the hell are you getting from there that you couldn’t get somewhere else that would be ten times better?

Friday’s is apparently known for their “big ribs, burgers, and mixed drinks” according to Wikipedia, which, contrary to popular belief, is the ultimate internet source. If you aren’t in a neighborhood where you fear getting shot, the ribs probably aren’t that great. As for the burgers, hell, half of the options on the fast-food burger list are better. Make better decisions, America. Oh, and who the hell can’t make a mixed drink?

4. Panera Bread

Of fucking course this abomination originated in St. Louis. St. Louis is America’s hellhole. There is absolutely nothing to do there. Apparently, the only thing to do is buy overpriced soup. Oh, and the local morons call the St. Louis locations “St. Louis Bread Company.” They had to rename the other American locations “Panera Bread” because nobody with half a brain would trust a place with “St Louis” in its name.

Is Panera Bread bad? No, not necessarily. However, you’ll walk in there, order a soup, they’ll ladle that shit into some hollowed out bread and be like “that’ll be $12.50.” Buddy, you know I could have just grabbed a can of Campbell’s for a dollar right?

“But they have salads too!” Calm your Ugg boot self down, Heather. Panera is nothing to go crazy about. “But, OMG, have you had their green tea?” Yeah, you know what? I’d actually rather die. This place is just another classic case of people lying to themselves.

3. Panda Express

Where to even start with this hellhole. Gross would be an understatement. I believe we’re all generally aware that most chain restaurants don’t cook their food fresh. Shocker, right? However, Panda Express is a weird occurrence where they don’t even try to hide their freshness or lack thereof.

You walk inside (you’ve already made a huge mistake), and there’s all the food just sitting right in front of your fat face in a buffet-style warmer. How long has it been sitting there? An hour? A day? The world may never know.

Finding good Chinese food is actually quite difficult. America loves to throw orange sauce on chicken tenders and be like “voila, Chinese!” That is exactly what Panda Express does too. It’s also an incredibly stupid name for a restaurant. You know some moron was like “Chinese like Pandas. We name it Panda Express.”

2. Denny’s

I think some rough shit has to be going on in your life for you to be eating at a Denny’s. Hate yourself? That’s nothing a grand slam breakfast can’t make worse. Lacking hepatitis C? Denny’s can fix that for you.

Nobody should be choosing chain restaurants for breakfast anyway. IHOP only avoided this list because Denny’s is somehow worse. There will be sticky floors, screaming kids, mediocre food, and yet, thousands of morons daily go “sign me up!”

If you want breakfast but are too lazy to cook it your damn self, go to your local diner. Hell, get a McGriddle from McDonald’s. Just have a coffee and call it breakfast. But for the love of god, have some self-respect and stay the fuck out of Denny’s.

1. Applebee’s

Earlier when I talked about seeing cars in the parking lots of terrible restaurants and realizing people are absolutely brain-dead, I was talking mainly about Applebee’s. How bad of shape are your taste buds in if you are “dining” at Applebee’s? Look yourself in the mirror. Seriously, are you okay?

Applebee’s locations offer half-price appetizers after 9 PM on weekdays and after 10 PM on weekends. You know why they do this so late at night? Because they figure the typical degenerate is shit-faced drunk. What do degenerate drunks eat when they’re hammered? Shit food. That’s where Applebee’s comes in.

Oh, but have you seen their drink specials? Every now and again they’ll have $1 Long Island Ice Teas. A few things need to be said about that. First, that has to be less than bottom-shelf booze. That’s booze that rolled under the cabinet. Second, the Applebee’s thought process on this is definitely “get them so drunk they won’t realize the food is god-awful.”

Seriously, Talladega Nights should have been the death of Applebee’s. This place was the restaurant of choice for Ricky fucking Bobby. If you go somewhere and order chicken fingers and you’re over the age of twelve, you should get your shit together. However, if you are at an Applebee’s (and boy, you shouldn’t be), that is probably the only thing you should touch.

Food, the thing that brings families together. Couples should ask themselves before marriage, “what pizza place will we order from?” There’s also the perpetual conversation of asking “where do you want to eat?” which is always followed by “I don’t know.” Well, when those questions are asked, the above five places should never be the conclusion. If your partner suggests any of these places, consider a new partner.


Featured Photo: Dine Equity

Patrick is an avid Chicago sports fan. He is a Blackhawks season ticket holder. Blogging all things Bears, Blackhawks and White Sox, Chicago is well covered. Oh, and catch him talking and drinking on Four Feathers Podcast and Bears On Tap.

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