The Houston Astros have started using a buzzer hidden under their players and coaches’ shirts at press conferences to remind them of when they should apologize. The decision was decided on by a group of players and lower-level employees who realized they could possibly get a leg up in their press conference game by using the buzzer system.
“The rationale,” one player reported on the condition of anonymity, “is that we didn’t know what questions were coming. So, we think we can get a lot more efficient at apologizing when we know exactly when we are supposed to apologize and when we should lay off.”
The system comes after a series of press conferences and interviews in which the Astros players and management struck out frequently with their attempts to apologize.
“I mean, who would’ve known that having Jose Altuve and Alex Bregman monotonously read hollow, prepared statements wouldn’t sit well with the people listening?” the player continued, referencing the February 13th Astros press conference. “We were really surprised. We thought that was a good strategy.”
The buzzer system has been questioned by other prominent players in the MLB. Every team has a strategy for reading the room and responding to questions during interviews and press conferences, but many view this move by the Astros as a bit too far.
“It’s definitely wrong,” Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun–who definitely plays the game the right way–announced. “I have to decide when to apologize on instinct when I try to cover up my cheating by ruining people’s lives. This is an unfair advantage.”
The Astros recently switched over to the buzzer system when reporters started noticing the man sitting in the back row of the press conferences banging on a trash can when players were supposed to apologize. Some Astros players have taken a strong stance in defending their use.
“People don’t even know what they’re talking about,” shortstop Carlos Correa yelled. “It’s like, here are just a bunch of idiots who don’t have their facts together, and they think they can talk about us? We won a World Series fair and square.”
Correa was urged to stop for his own good, but he decided to continue.
“Everyone out there that isn’t on this team is fu–” a faint vibrating noise emerged from Correa’s shoulder. “I mean, we are deeply sorry for our actions.”