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An Extra Sweet Sixteen: Power Ranking Pies

It should probably be a federal law for every American to have a slice of pie on Pi Day, March 14th.

They say there is nothing more American than baseball. Unfortunately for Americans, there currently is no baseball, as the MLB has postponed the season at least two weeks due to cautions pertaining to the Coronavirus. The NFL, NHL and NBA have all done the same, leaving us in a world without sports.

Fortunately, there is something just as American as baseball: apple pie. Hell, when we think of America’s birthday, the 4th of July, baseball, barbecue, fireworks and apple pie all come to mind. Thanksgiving, America’s fattest holiday, is centered around turkey and pie.

As a nation, we have a day fully committed to pie. Well, it’s actually devoted to pi, as in the number. Nonetheless, today is Pi Day, as it is every March 14th. We care not for numbers, so let’s go ahead and refer to this day as Pie Day. You should probably head over to Baker’s Square and have a slice in celebration before they inevitably go out of business.

Pie and baseball are ultra-American, but do you know what else is America on steroids? Exhausting an entity with so many damn variations that you could never dream of naming them all. There are countless different pie options. Everyone has their favorites. You’ll be bullied into having specifically pumpkin on Thanksgiving. Some are phenomenal and others are disgusting.

Americans love to indulge. There is hardly ever such thing as “enough.” While many sports fans will turn to beer to get themselves through these tough times without sports, others will eat. So on a holiday devoted to one of our greatest desserts, dive in as we rank our greatest pies.

So, I welcome you back to the fourth addition of the “power rankings for fatasses.” So far, we have ranked chain pizza places. Most of those places suck, but the article is fun. We also discussed the best and worst hamburgers that the fast food world has to offer. Lastly, we gave you five restaurant chains that are the worst. It’s time to power rank the sweet sixteen of pies.

16. Lemon Meringue

Generally, lemon in desserts are phenomenal. If you’ve ever had a well-executed lemon bar, your life has been changed for the better. However, lemon meringue pie simply misses the mark. In fact, it comes nowhere near it.

Finding out what the hell meringue even is required a quick Google. Apparently it is a “sweet food made by baking a mixture of stiffly beaten egg whites and sugar until crisp.” Well, it’s absolutely disgusting. The lemon jello bullshit isn’t the best either. Lemon flavor belongs in cake, not pie. Zero stars.

15. Rhubarb Pie

Listen, we can all have a moment of honesty and say that we have no clue what the hell rhubarb is. It looks like celery and I think we can confidently say that shit belongs nowhere near a pie. Bakers add strawberries and shit to this to make it somewhat edible.

This pie can be described as sour and tart. Not exactly what one is looking for in a pie. I’m no expert, but you generally want your pie to be sweet. It doesn’t take rocket appliances to figure that one out. Anyway, is anyone under the age of 120 years old even making this anymore?

14. Cherry Pie

The only time cherry pie ranks highly on a list is that of Warrant’s 1990 rock hit. While a great song, we’d much prefer for her to be our apple pie. Hell, pick any fruit and we’d probably prefer for her to be that type of pie. The expression “cherry on top” is ass-backwards because cherries are pretty gross.

Cherry pie itself is pretty lazily done. It is your basic pie crust filled with cherries. Don’t go too crazy on the imagination there, bakers. Now, if you like cherries, your probably screaming at this, and that’s fine. However, there will be no retort, because cherries are brutal, and we have to time to argue such nonsense.

13. Peach Pie

Nobody in the history of mankind has never eaten a peach pie and been able to hold back saying “man, I wish this was cobbler.” Peach cobbler is phenomenal. The crumbly crust and gooey filling is what every dessert dreams of being. Throw a little vanilla bean ice cream on top and you’ll be in heaven.

However, the pie form lacks all of this. Bland crust and ruined texture is the difference between the cobbler and pie when it comes to the peach variety. Peaches aren’t the greatest and the pie form relies to heavily on the peach flavor. In a world of pies, peaches can’t play with the big boys, dropping it fairly low in this ranking.

12. Blueberry Pie

Much like peaches, blueberries simply just are not best served to be in a pie. Blueberry pie may be the best looking pie on Earth, but the taste is just lacking. Throughout the entire eating process you’re going to be thinking “I just wish this was a muffin.”

Blueberries are great in dessert. They are simply just best served in a muffin or a buckle. Seriously, blueberry buckle is the shit. That’s more of a cake than a pie though. These minor variations make all the difference, and blueberry pie doesn’t make the cut.

11. Sweet Potato Pie

Let me start by saying that every pie from here on out are all good pies and choosing where to rank them all is incredibly challenging. What can I say, pie is great. You almost feel bad for sweet potato pie because it looks almost exactly like pumpkin pie.

How many times do you think somebody bit into this pie and screamed “Damnit, that isn’t pumpkin!” That’s just really not fair to sweet potato pie. Of course it can’t live up to pumpkin’s credibility. However, it is still a pretty solid pie and certainly gets slept on. What a shame.

10. Key Lime Pie

Key Lime pie is almost entirely different than most pies. It even closely resembles cheesecake, which is never a bad thing. For dessert, being compared to cheesecake is like comparing a basketball player to Michael Jordan. You know it can’t compare to the GOAT, but damn, it must be really good.

Graham cracker crust is always the way to go and key lime is one of the few pies that uses it. That is a point in its favor. However, this is almost a pie you’d want to have in the summer, which quite frankly isn’t your typical time to be eating pie (if there is such thing as a typical time for pie). Each bite is more refreshing than the previous. Key lime pie is setting the bar fairly high for those following it.

9. French Silk

Remember about two seconds ago when we talked about how graham cracker crust is the way to go for a pie. Well, french silk could take notes. This is a very good pie. I’m not the biggest fan of whipped cream and don’t care for pies that come with it already on there. However, it works nicely for french silk as it isn’t overpowering.

Who doesn’t like chocolate, by the way? It’s a great pie and those uniquely shaped chocolate shavings on top are a nice touch. Now, let’s get back to the crust. This pie would be perfect if they would just switch the crust from standard and boring to graham cracker. That minor tweak would easily put french silk into the top five.

8. Pecan Pie

Is pecan pie overrated or underrated? That question drove me absolutely nuts when trying to rank this pie. I feel like most people either absolutely love this pie or are completely against it. The answer lies right in the middle, as it is certainly a very good pie, but also not the greatest.

There are a few pies that are better warm and some that absolutely need to stay cold. Nobody wants a warm key lime pie and apple is best served warm. However, pecan pie absolutely needs to come warm. When you get those warm nuts and hot sticky goop in your mouth (whoa, isn’t this a family friendly article?) you wont soon be able to put it down.

7. Coconut Creme Pie

There is something ridiculously refreshing about a nice slice of coconut creme pie. You don’t think you want this pie until it’s right in front of you. It’s probably very few people’s first choice, but it’s never a bad choice.

Coconut is pretty damn good, and is usually used in the shaved form to top some sort of dessert. It’s nice for it to be the headliner for once. Are you necessarily going to have the itch for a second slice? Perhaps not, but you’ll definitely enjoy the hell out of your first slice.

6. Oreo Pie

Is Oreo pie designed for children? Probably. However, sometimes you need to channel your inner child and Oreo pie is the way to go in that regard. This pie is everything you want in a dessert. Cream cheese? Yep. Chocolate? Absolutely. A crust that melts in your mouth? Yes, yup and yep.

Here is one way where Oreo pie can separate itself from other pies. A lot of pies will come served with ice cream. Because that’s what your dessert needs, more dessert, right? You’d never do that with Oreo pie because it has it all. It is incredibly sweet, has chocolate and is smooth and creamy as hell. You may walk away with a strong case of diabetes, but sacrifices have to be made sometimes.

5. Mississippi Mud Pie

I knew approximately one thing about Mississippi before this article and that was simply their long ass river that stretches from top to bottom of the United States. I now know two things thanks to this incredible pie. I mean, just look at.

Chocolate graham cracker crust? Yes, please. If that wasn’t enough, there is an additional layer of chocolate on the bottom which is beneath a cream cheese layer. Top that off with some more chocolate (sauce) and some pecans and you certainly have a winner. More people should probably make this.

4. Peanut Butter Mousse Pie

Someone who doesn’t like graham cracker crust is going to lose their mind, because this article went ahead and threw all the pies featuring this crust towards the top. Now, even a graham cracker hater couldn’t possibly hate peanut butter. Who the hell doesn’t like peanut butter?

And let me tell you, everybody likes chocolate. Throw those two sweet treats together and you have one hell of a winner. Just ask those geniuses over at Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup how good it is. This pie has everything you (I) want in a dessert and it is truly remarkable.

3. Pumpkin Pie

Sometimes, simple is better. Such is the case with pumpkin pie. There is a reason every dessert table across America on Thanksgiving has a pumpkin pie. It’s an American tradition, and one that you’d never dream of breaking.

You probably wouldn’t notice pumpkin pie until it’s gone. Is it ever the first dessert you grab on Thanksgiving? For some, yes, but others no. However, the second someone doesn’t bring a pumpkin pie to Thanksgiving, all hell is going to break loose. Don’t break tradition, eat Thanksgiving’s signature dessert.

2. Banana Creme Pie

Let’s dive into the most criminally underrated pie to ever grace this earth. Banana creme is a pie that should be on every dessert table across the world, and the great thing about this pie is that it’s incredibly simple. It has your basic crust, a banana filling and some whipped cream.

Simple, yet elegant, banana creme pie is one of the top desserts out there. Now, much like blueberry and peach, bananas aren’t best served in pie. Banana pudding with vanilla wafers is out of this world. However, banana pie is only a slight step down and is one of the best pies out there.

1. French Apple Pie

Now, this is America after-all. Baseball and apple pie drive this damn country and we’d be hard-pressed to not award apple pie the top spot in this ranking. Now, it is key here to distinguish that it is french apple pie, because there is a big difference between french apple and regular apple.

That crumb topping is unmatched in the dessert world. Pair that in with warm and gooey apples and you simply cannot put this pie down. This apple pie closely resembles a cobbler, but is still a pie. It’s like asking if you want pie or cobbler and answering “why not both?” The bakers here find a way to give you both and give you the best pie known to man.

It should probably be a federal law for every American to have a slice of pie on Pi Day, March 14th. It is a damn holiday after-all. To hell with whatever diet you are on, just have a slice. Life is short and challenging. Without sports right now, it is incredibly challenging and feels exponentially long. Brighten up your day with one of the pies listed above. Grab your favorite or try a new one. However, I’d probably avoid anything outside of the top 11.


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Patrick is an avid Chicago sports fan. He is a Blackhawks season ticket holder. Blogging all things Bears, Blackhawks and White Sox, Chicago is well covered. Oh, and catch him talking and drinking on Four Feathers Podcast and Bears On Tap.

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