Uncle Juice has officially been put on house arrest, and I don’t mean the court-ordered kind. A lot of us have been told to board up and stay home in hopes of containing the coronavirus from rapidly spreading (FYI, I am 100% behind this). With no sports, no work, and no toilet paper, this period of time has begun to spiral into what will surely become one of the lowest points of our lives.
While I should be elbowing through the grocery store searching for the last package of Charmin, I find myself dreaming up weird scenarios in my head. While listening to the world end on all news channels, I started to think about the short-term future of our website. The questions rang in, what will we write? What will our podcasts talk about? Are there any future On Tap events we need to have canceled? Does Buzz have a reserve stash of Miller Lite and sour gummy worms? Does Premier AMP have enough Mountain Dew in the fridge? And my personal favorite, how many times will Schwartzy watch Blank Check (1994) while he is locked away? (The answer is all the times).
These thoughts came and went, but what followed was the premise for this article. I began to think, ‘What if I was quarantined on an island with Chicago sports personalities? Who would I want in my foxhole?’ After some further consideration, I present: The Five Chicago athletes I would like to be quarantined with.
Before we dig in, let me list my honorable mentions followed by a brief explanation as to why they barely missed the cut.
He seems like a nice guy, possibly one who could be manipulated, which would be good for me. While having a loyal ally sounds great and all, one has to worry about his level of intelligence. Now I’m not saying he’s dumb, but let’s be honest folks, he seems dumb. Plus, what if we have to throw coconuts down from a tree? No chance he hits me in the chest. I’ll be gathering errant coconuts for hours. We need to conserve energy on this island, so Mitch takes a hike.
Most of you know I’m a huge Cubs fan, but when it comes to Kris, there are only so many baseball conversations we could have before I would be begging to be elbow-to-elbow with strangers at O’Hare. Kris just strikes me as a guy who wants to talk hitting and baseball 24/7. While that would be great for three days, I fear we’d quickly reach the point where we run out of things to talk about. With that said, Kris, please stay a Cub! But I can’t invite you to the island.
The last guy on the bubble (we miss you NCAA) is Chicago Bulls legend, Scottie Pippen. Scottie would provide a lot of entertainment; imagine all the ’90s Bulls stories that man could recap for you. It would be like getting the much anticipated “Last Dance” documentary before it is released. While that is fine and dandy, we are all well aware of Scottie’s resource management skills. For those of you uninitiated, Scottie has filed for bankruptcy in the past and was reportedly carrying great financial debt a few years back. The last thing our crew needs is a guy who doesn’t understand rations. And for that, Scottie, “I’m out.”
On to our list.
#1 Michael Jordan
I feel like this is a unanimous number one pick, unlike the 1984 NBA Draft (thank you, Baby Jesus). Huge asshole, great stories, and the guy just wins at life. If anyone is going to lead us into battle against the ‘Rona, it’s MJ. Here is a list of people he defeated in the NBA Finals in case you forgot: Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, Clyde Drexler, and Gary Payton! You think COVID-19 has anything on the glove?!?! Forget about it. But really though, great leader, great conversation, and fun guy. How can we not pick him first?
#2 Joakim Noah
He’s a great teammate and would strengthen our team defense. One could argue I’ve already got two of Chicago’s greatest defensive players to step foot on a basketball court on my side. We would be able to protect the island at all costs with Michael and Joakim patrolling the beach. While Noah has those valuable assets, I would be lying if I wasn’t also excited over his cannabis abilities.
#3 Greg Maddux
The Mad Dog will go down as one of the greatest baseball minds in MLB history. There are stories aplenty about Greg throwing pitches at-bats before to set hitters up for future plate appearances. That’s exactly the type of mind we need on the island, a strategist who can guide us through tough times. Maddux would be the perfect addition to the powerhouse team I have assembled. While he will most likely leave us for a better offer on a neighboring island, we will enjoy his greatness while it lasts.
#4 Dick Butkus
The Enforcer was one of the nastiest players to ever play in the NFL, so Butkus comes in at four on this list. The man was a menace and possesses the grit needed to get us through the tough times on the island. With no player being more feared during his career, I can only imagine number 51 looking ‘Rona dead in the eye then laughing as it flees into the woods.
#5 Al Secord
Much like Butkus, Al was always feared. One of my oldest memories in Papa Buzzweed’s (Buzz’s Dad) basement is him telling us Secord fight stories and how he idolized him as a bruiser. After being told of these tales, I pulled up the stats to find out the guy could score with the best of them wearing a Blackhawks sweater. One of the recurring things I read about was his willingness to stick up for a teammate. That’s the kind of attitude that we need on this island. On top of all of this, when the virus has passed, the now-American Airlines pilot can fly us the hell out of there.
So, friends, that concludes my five. Who would make your list? Let us know in the comment section or on social media!
@Schwartzy from On Tap Sports Net contributed to this post.