My Official Resume to be Jay Cutler’s Lazy and Unmotivated Best Friend
Jay has a had a long career, he deserves a break. He deserves to sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing.
Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari shook both the sports and pop culture world when the two announced that they were ending their marriage. Details have emerged earlier this week that Cavallari was divorcing Cutler because he was “lazy” and “unmotivated.”
Well, if lazy and unmotivated is the life that our former Bears hero wants to live, so be it. In fact, Jay has a supporter in me when it comes to the lazy lifestyle. After 12 years as a professional athlete, don’t you think Jay has earned the right to park his ass on the couch for a little while?
Me personally, I did not have a 12-year NFL career. I, uh, wasn’t much of an athlete. I’m still all about that lazy lifestyle, however. Let’s bring a cooler of beer to the couch that way we don’t have to get up and walk to the fridge every time a beer empties.
Now that Jay is single he may need some companionship. Nobody (well actually, maybe Jay) likes to be alone. Jay needs someone to fill the beer cooler and bring it to the side of the couch. That’s my specialty. We can sit down and talk about how Mike Martz was an asshole.
Jay needs a friend. More importantly, Jay needs a friend who supports and exemplifies his “lazy” lifestyle. I can and will be that guy. I know what you’re going to say — “what makes you qualified?” Well, pull up a chair and I will tell you.
Have you heard of FOX’s hit sitcom New Girl? If your answer is no, go take a lap and then maybe you can finish this article. New Girl is one of the greatest television shows ever made.
Would a normal person have seen the series? Sure. Would a normal person perhaps catch a few episodes again after the fact? Possibly. However, it takes a lazy, unmotivated, couch-dweller to have seen the series five times. That’s me.
Guess what? If Jay would like to sit down and watch it, I’m game for a sixth time catching New Girl. You can never get enough. The main character, portrayed by Jake Johnson, is from Chicago and drops Chicago sports references all the time. There’s even an ode to Jay Cutler himself.
I say Jay and I order some pizza (sausage, green pepper, onion, extra sauce, well done), maybe some wings too, fill up a cooler of beer, park on the couch, leave the door open so the delivery guy can bring the pizza straight to the couch, and fire up New Girl on Netflix.
Jay has had a long career, he deserves a break. He deserves to sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing. Remember “Smokin’ Jay?” Well, if Jay wants to light a cigarette up and ash it in an empty beer can, he wouldn’t hear a peep from me. Can you say the same about Kristin? Doubtful.
I will be Jay’s right-hand man. I will be the guy who carefully places a piece of trash on top of the already overflowing garbage can so the next person can take it out. He drops an ice cube from the freezer? I’ll kick that thing under the fridge faster than Mike Martz having Greg Olsen traded away.
You cannot teach laziness. It is more of a molding. With Jay’s extensive history of offensive coordinators, something tells me he doesn’t have the patience to teach someone his unmotivated ways. I am the demotivational speaker in the room. Jay needs not teach me anything, I’m already playing at a Pro Bowl level. Let’s grab a cold one and do absolutely nothing, because there’s surely nothing wrong with it.