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SATIRE: NFL Owners Agree to Make Up Financial Difference for MLB Return

SATIRE: The NFL owners need any distraction they can get, so they are paying for the MLB to resume.

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As news of an impasse between the MLB and MLBPA regarding the pay structure of baseball salaries in a return to play in 2020 has spread, a new hero may have emerged from the shadows, the NFL owners.

The NFL has seen a spike in news stories regarding their players of late, and it is not the PR the league wants. Bored players combined with no other sports news has seen a number of players implicated in legal issues and placed under arrest. The owners have taken note.

“COVID-19 isn’t the only thing novel here. We as a league have never had less protection from the sports world to bury these stories as a Friday news dump and whisked away with an arbitrary fine. These are unprecedented times.”

Anonymous NFC Owner


“COVID-19 isn’t the only thing novel here. We as a league have never had less protection from the sports world to bury these stories as a Friday news dump and whisked away with an arbitrary fine. These are unprecedented times,” said one NFC owner who wishes to stay anonymous.

To wit, the NFL owners have voted unanimously to step in and help settle the financial dispute between the MLB and MLBPA and get the baseball season off the ground. At the heart of the issue is player compensation. MLB players want to be paid prorated salaries for the games they play, and the MLB owners want to split the revenue 50/50 because of the financial losses they’ll endure. The NFL owners are willing to pay the full, non-prorated salary, plus additional financial incentives to the players if need be.

“Listen, in the NFL money is just different, like Monopoly money. A ton of it isn’t guaranteed, so we will just rob Peter to pay Paul.”

– Anonymous AFC South Head Coach


“Listen, in the NFL money is just different, like Monopoly money. A ton of it isn’t guaranteed, so we will just rob Peter to pay Paul,” said one AFC South coach who also asked to remain anonymous. He’d go on to say “Look at our team, J.J. Watt is a HOF player, and we don’t officially owe him anything next year. I’ll just take that $17 million-plus and throw it at a baseball player. It’s not like he’s a QB.”

In these extraordinary times, extraordinary measures are occasionally warranted. The people have expressed their desire for the MLB season to commence and fill our entertainment void, and it looks like the NFL is answering the bell. Not the heroes we deserve, the heroes we need.


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Schwartzy is a DILF and (participation) trophy husband. More Splenda Daddy than Sugar. I do the twitter, hit me up! @drschwa_96

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