
It has been less than a week since our last edition of This Week in Outlandish Chicago Crime, but sometimes there’s so much debauchery that takes place over a short span of time that waiting any longer to report on them would be an injustice. Without further ado… here are some of the most ridiculous things that have happened in Chicago in the last few days.
017:
— 𝕮𝖍𝖎𝖈𝖆𝖌𝖔𝕾𝖈𝖆𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖗 (@Chicago_Scanner) May 15, 2020
3605 N Pulaski
2 drunk or high males jumping in & out of traffic#Chicago #ChicagoScanner
Human frogger is all the rage these days. Bonus points if you can make it across Pulaski while inebriated.
Bond court —
— CWBChicago (@CWBChicago) May 14, 2020
Prosecutor: The defendant said he carried a gun (illegally) for protection because he sells drugs in a dangerous part of town. #Chicago
This makes absolute logical sense, no one should be in that area of town without protection.
73/Euclid: a call of a male laying on the ground w/ no pants on. #ChicagoScanner
— Spot News (@SPOTNEWSonIG) May 15, 2020
Friday was a hot one, and the warmer the day, the weirder the crimes get. Trust me, this is just the start.
Dispatch: Disturbance. There's a lady standing in front of the store playing loud R Kelly music, saying she's R Kelly's girlfriend. She's about 50 years old. 410 South Clark. #ChicagoScanner #Chicago
— CWBChicago (@CWBChicago) May 15, 2020
Not really sure she is R Kelly’s type.
Dispatch: "Caller says 5 male white and 1 female white adults jumped the fence at [Nettelhorst School] and they're stealing chickens." #Boystown #ChicagoScanner #Chicago
— CWBChicago (@CWBChicago) May 15, 2020
Who the hell steals chickens from kids? I did some research on this one. Nettelhorst School currently has nine chickens. Amelia Egghart, Pip, Vivian, Regina George, Princess Fluffybutt, Popcorn, Rosie, and Magnolia. Let’s hope all the chickens are back in their homes at this time.

Photo: nettelhorstcoop/Instagram
96/Chappel: caller says Mike Jones is on her front porch kicking her door. #Chicago #ChicagoScanner
— Spot News (@SPOTNEWSonIG) May 16, 2020
Who? Well, Mike Jones of course.
017:
— 𝕮𝖍𝖎𝖈𝖆𝖌𝖔𝕾𝖈𝖆𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖗 (@Chicago_Scanner) May 16, 2020
4900 N Bernard
The delivery driver left his '05 silver Scion running & #YouAlreadyknow
10 minutes later…
3500 W Lawrence
The thief tried to steal some beer & left the Scion behind#Chicago #ChicagoScanner
Carjacking has been a major problem around Chicago lately, and this just proves that absolutely no one wants a Scion. Beer, on the other hand, much more valuable.
103/Bishop Ford: caller says they saw an 11-year-old female skating on the e-way on the right shoulder. #Chicago #ChicagoScanner
— Spot News (@SPOTNEWSonIG) May 16, 2020
This is completely normal activity at 6:30 AM on the Bishop Ford.
Garfield Blvd/May: Giovanni is a tow truck driver and he says his tow truck was just hit w/ a brick, he thinks another tow truck driver did it and he has video. #Chicago #ChicagoScanner
— Spot News (@SPOTNEWSonIG) May 17, 2020
I’d like to think this was the beginning of some sort of Anchorman-style battle of tow truck companies.
Dispatch: Caller says a man is offering prostitution services in the emergency room at Weiss Hospital. #ChicagoScanner #Chicago
— CWBChicago (@CWBChicago) May 17, 2020
Hospital waiting rooms are overflowing these days and waiting times are long. This entrepreneur was just trying to offer some entertainment to those who are bored out of their minds while infected with the virus.
11: Roosevelt & Fairfield – 100 people gathering behind Chalmers Elementary school and some are shooting dice.
— Chi-Live:PD (@ChiLivePD) May 16, 2020
"Unreal, 10-4." #ShitCPDSays #ChicagoScanner
The dice championship was not canceled due to coronavirus concerns. All competitors brought their own dice and wore masks to avoid the spread of the virus.
Bond court —
— CWBChicago (@CWBChicago) May 17, 2020
Woman threatened to shoot up Popeyes because her chicken sandwich was moldy. Then, she battered cops who came to the scene.#Chicago
Not the first Popeyes related incident we’ve seen here in the last two weeks.
83/Ingleside: a call of a person w/ a knife, caller says her brother was killed earlier but now the older brother is causing a disturbance, she says she's going to kill him w/ a knife.
— Spot News (@SPOTNEWSonIG) May 17, 2020
"Just what the family needs."#ShitCPDSays #Chicago #ChicagoScanner
What the hell is even going on here?
Dispatch: Burglary report. Caller says someone broke into their home, spread feces all over, ransacked the place and stole things. 1100 block of North Hudson. #ChicagoScanner #Chicago
— CWBChicago (@CWBChicago) May 18, 2020

That does it for This Week in Outlandish Chicago Crime. Check back next time for more ridiculousness.
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