The On Tap Thanksgiving Chronicles
A rundown of Thanksgiving week in On Tap Sports Net land.
The holiday season can be stressful for so many. I don’t think you can be overly prepared, especially in 2020. The week of Thanksgiving before the fun stuff starts just plain sucks. Sure, you are working toward a long weekend, but jamming an entire week of work into two and a half days can be brutal. You’re likely doing everything you can and taking every precaution to avoid having to answer an e-mail, phone call, or even making the drive to the office. This year can be different if you follow along with my Thanksgiving week plan.
Step 1: Blackout Wednesday
It’s 2:30 PM on Wednesday, you’re walking out of work, and it’s raining.. that sucks? NO. It’s only the weather, who cares? You shouldn’t, because at this point you’re in your car, on your way home, blasting The Boys Are Back In Town thinking about how obliterated you’ll be in about seven hours.
Fast forward, you’re now at home grabbing two, no, three shower beers. Shoot To Thrill is blaring out of your speaker. At this point, you’re ready to rip a dart and run through a damn wall. Post shower, you’re clean, relaxed, and stress-free. Naptime. Three beers deep with nothing else in your stomach and The Office on the tube just hits different.
Step 1, Part 2: Go Time
Once awoken 124 minutes later in a daze, it clicks.. the time is now! It’s 5:30 PM, you hop out of bed like Shawn Michaels doing a kip-up and now your life turns to an ’80s movie montage. Levels by Avicii is pumping hard as you run throughout the house looking for your best “going out” outfit. Beers are flowing, the group chat is booming, and your Uber is 14 minutes away.
Step 1, Part 3: Locked and Loaded
The Uber drops you off at the bar, advises you to have a great night, and implores how great of a person you are for not driving. Thanks for not pulling a Tony La Russa.
You walk into the bar, you see Ron Luce already asking the DJ to play Whatever You Like by T.I., and you notice how restless the bouncers already are. It’s magnificent.
Step 1, Part 4: Get After It
You black the hell out.
Step 2: Thanksgiving Day
After the clock strikes midnight on blackout Wednesday, it’s technically Thanksgiving. We choose to ignore that by drinking until 2 AM, getting a crave case from the old faithful White Castle, and stumbling in the back door attempting to be quiet. What feels like a whole five minutes later, your alarm is going off and you are ready to throw your phone at the wall. The group chat has been nuts and you slept through it like a baby. Oh shit, yes, you forgot about the turkey bowl.
Step 2, Part 2: Turkey Bowl
Still not at 100 percent, you head to the football field. Heartburn and White Castle burps are already the most effective defender on the field slowing you down. You’ve been playing 20 minutes, two guys already quit, one is throwing up, and one may not be breathing. But not you, not the rec-league MVP. You’re going as hard as the guy who didn’t drink last night. You get rocked, you’re on the ground, unaware if you’ve voided your bowels on contact or have a serious case of swass. Time to hang the cleats up.
Step 2, Part 3: The Recovery Period
You are home after that horrific attempt at athleticism and you can hardly walk. Running is definitely out of the question. Doesn’t matter. It’s breakfast time. Pounds of bacon, sausage, eggs, and french toast. No pancakes, waffles, or cereal today. Today, we’re fancy. You sit with the family going through Black Friday ads. Once you’re done looking through ads strictly for guns, tools, and spikes for next year’s turkey bowl, back to sleep with the parade on. You wake up confused, “I don’t even like parades.” Football time baby! Time to watch the Cowboys and Lions lose. Coincidentally, but not really, a deep slumber is once again on the agenda.
Step 2, Part 4: Time to Feast
Thanksgiving dinner is upon us. You strategically choose the seat with prime fridge and bathroom accessibility. After dinner, you sit on the couch with more football on, pants not unbuttoned because you’re not a heathen who wears jeans or khakis. Sweats are untied, and surprise surprise, you’re dozing off AGAIN. You only get seven minutes in this time, but that’s okay. You hear a Jameson bottle crack open from the other side of the house. You tweet out a picture captioned “#CrackUm” as you’re hammered on back-to-back nights. The wife is pissed.
Step 3: Black Friday
You wake up at a ridiculous time to go shopping. You hate shopping. It’s 4 AM, you’re pissed, cold, and dying for another coffee while fighting off another hangover. You whisper to yourself, “Why do I even pay for Amazon Prime?” The wife gives you a dirty look. Finally, it’s almost noon. Time to go home and crack open a beer, I mean wrap Christmas presents.
Everyone have a safe and eventful holiday week. Wear your masks, be a little nicer to people, and no, you don’t need an entire crave case from White Castle! Happy Thanksgiving from the On Tap family!