Predicting the Chicago Bears 2022 Record
Photo: ChicagoBears.com
With the 2022 NFL schedule released in full, I decided to predict the Chicago Bears record using numbers, facts, and a little satire.
Week 1: Bears vs. 49ers
Why The Bears Will Win
The Bears and 49ers have alternated victories in their last seven meetings, and who am I to question history? In 2012, 2015, 2017, and 2021, the 49ers came away victorious. But in 2018, 2016, and 2014, the Bears pulled out a victory. With 2021 being the most recent matchup, and the 49ers getting the win, it seems the Bears are due to even the scales.
Why The 49ers Will Win
Do you believe in ghosts? We all know that the only way to defy history is through channeling the supernatural. And I expect the 49ers to channel the spirit of Nick Bosa's great-grandfather, Antonino Leonardo Accardo.
Antonio "Tony" Accardo built quite the name in Chicago as he rose to the top of the Chicago Outfit as an associate of Al Capone. If anything could shake up the Bears players before stepping on the field, the ghost of "Joe Batters" would absolutely be up there. Something like that could derail the entire season if I am being honest.
VERDICT: The 49ers win on a fluke play in the final minute. On that play, a Bears defender unwittingly runs off the field and into the locker room as if he had seen a ghost.
Bears Record: 0-1
Week 2: Bears at Packers (SNF)
Photo: Chris Sweda/Chicago Tribune/Tribune News Service
Why The Bears Will Win
Because Justin Fields is the state of Wisconsin's favorite player. You read that right. In 2021, the Bears' young signal-caller had more jerseys sold in the state of Wisconsin than any Packers player (per Lids). After learning that Fields has already overtaken the entire state, it is only a matter of time until Lambeau Field is a sea of navy and orange.
Why The Packers Will Win
As some may already know, Justin Fields ate a vegan diet when he was drafted by the Bears. Assuming that he has continued to eat a vegan diet, that could pose a problem in Green Bay. Why you ask? Because cheese has dairy in it. The Packers could easily sabotage Fields by sneaking some cheese curds into his vegan chicken nuggets.
VERDICT: Bears by a million, cheese curds be damned.
Bears Record: 1-1
Week 3: Bears vs. Texans
Photo: KHOU 11 Staff
Why The Bears Will Win
When Lovie Smith is involved in a Bears vs. Texans game, he never wins. As an NFL head coach, Smith is 0-4 in Bears vs. Texans matchups. I do not expect his luck to suddenly change.
Why The Texans Will Win
When Lovie Smith is involved in a Bears vs. Texans game, the Texans always win. When Smith was the head coach in Chicago, the Bears were 0-4 against the start-up Texans. I do not expect their luck to suddenly change.
VERDICT: Nobody wins. Tie game after both teams missed field goals in overtime.
Bears Record: 1-1-1
Week 4: Bears at Giants
Photo: USATSI
Why The Bears Will Win
There are not many teams that I think the Bears are more talented than this year. However, the Giants are one team that the Bears likely have the advantage against in the talent department.
Why The Giants Will Win
Although, I should not be so quick to dismiss the New York Football Giants, as they did have a rather impressive draft class. Adding talents like Evan Neal and Kayvon Thibodeaux could boost them in the trenches.
VERDICT: Bears win in a nail-biting finish as Daniel Jones fails to score in Bears territory late.
Bears Record: 2-1-1
Week 5: Bears at Vikings
Why The Bears Will Win
Because the Vikings wear purple pants, and I had a coach in high school who said to never worry about a guy wearing purple pants. Even if they are people eaters.
Why The vikings Will Win
The Sean McVay effect. We all know that anybody who does so much as shake Sean McVay's hand instantly inherits a little bit of his offensive genius. And wouldn't you know it, the Vikings just hired former Rams offensive coordinator Kevin O'Connell as their new head coach. Since McVay became the head coach of the Rams in 2017, the Bears have gone a combined 2-9 against him and his minions.
VERDICT: The Bears win on a walk-off Justin Fields' two-minute drill.
Bears Record: 3-1-1
Week 6: Bears vs. Commanders (MNF)
Why The Bears Will Win
The Commanders searched high and low all offseason for a QB and came away with Carson Wentz. While Wentz has put up some solid stat lines in his career, he has also earned a reputation for blowing games late. On top of that, we all know about Ron Rivera's success being (mostly) limited to odd years.
Why The Commanders Will Win
What happens when you keep drafting Alabama defensive linemen? The Alabama defensive line has served the Commanders well. And that could become apparent in this game if the Bears' offensive line cannot keep Justin Fields upright.
VERDICT: The Bears make it close late, but the Commanders' defensive front proves too much for the Bears' offensive line to handle.
Bears Record: 3-2-1
Week 7: Bears at Patriots (TNF)
Photo: NBC Sports
Why The Bears Will Win
This could be a Justin Fields revenge game, of sorts. In the final game of his collegiate career, he got blown out by a Mac Jones-led Alabama team.
Why The Patriots Will Win
The Patriots have been good in Foxboro. Like, historically good. Tom Brady is no longer there, but I still consider it one of the hardest places to play.
VERDICT: The Patriots win a game that felt closer than it ever was.
Bears Record: 3-3-1
Week 8: Bears at Cowboys
Why The Bears Will Win
Matt Eberflus spent seven seasons with the Cowboys. You know this game will mean a little more to him.
Why The Cowboys Will Win
Because Aiden Diggs has too much swag and the Bears will be in his house. But also, because Dan Quinn seemed to want the Bears' job and Micah Parsons might get five sacks.
VERDICT: The Bears' hot start is long in the past as they close out an 0-3 road trip. To put it simply, they just couldn't keep up with the Cowboys' offensive firepower.
Bears Record: 3-4-1
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Week 9: Bears vs. Dolphins
Photo: ESPN
Why The Bears Will Win
Dolphins do not do well in cold environments. While a 45-degree high (average temperature for early November) might not exactly be cold, it should be enough to impact a Dolphin's physical performance.
Why The Dolphins Will Win
"The dolphins are the second most intelligent species on the planet Earth, only surpassed by mice, although many outside observers don't know about the mice. They long ago knew of Earth's planned destruction and tried to communicate this to humans who misinterpreted it as "amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for tidbits." The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the "Star Spangled Banner," but was, in fact, a message. The message was "so long, and thanks for all the fish."'
VERDICT: Brains can only get the Dolphins so far, as Tua and Miami's offense cannot match the 23 points that the Bears put on the board.
Bears Record: 4-4-1
Week 10: Bears vs. Lions
Why The Bears Will Win
The Lions are still the Lions until proven otherwise. Despite a nice draft class and some promising progress in 2021, I am not buying it until I see more results. Especially at Soldier Field with the Bears hanging around .500.
Why The Lions Will Win
The number one rule of sports gambling? Do NOT sleep on the Lions. Under Dan Campbell, the Lions have been a cover machine, going 11-6 ATS. And you know what they say. Good teams win and great teams cover the spread.
VERDICT: The Bears pull out a hard-fought victory after Jared Goff almost did enough to win.
Bears Record: 5-4-1
Week 11: Bears at Falcons
Why The Bears Will Win
The Falcons are Bears South at this point. Who knows the Bears better than the Bears?
Why The Falcons Will Win
Over the past seven years, Ryan Pace has been keeping meticulous notes on the weaknesses of every player he has added to the Bears roster. He has been studying those notes all season for this day. This game is his Super Bowl.
VERDICT: Falcons win in one of the weirdest games you have ever seen that includes two player ejections and a streaker running on the field.
Bears Record: 5-5-1
Week 12: Bears at Jets
Photo: Fox News
Why The Bears Will Win
Because Justin Fields is pissed. He is pissed that Zach Wilson was drafted ahead of him. The sheer disrespect. They should be ashamed of themselves.
Why The Jets Will Win
Robert Saleh is a brave man. Brave enough to shave his head and show the world that he has no hair. That is a leader if I have ever seen one.
VERDICT: While the Jets are able to keep it competitive, Fields has a career day and the Jets just cannot keep up.
Bears Record: 6-5-1
Week 13: Bears vs. Packers
Why The Bears Will Win
Because I believe in hope. I believe in change. And I believe in Rodgers having limited wide receiver depth to work with and I want to believe in the new Bears regime.
Why The Packers Will Win
Aaron Rodgers is a big fat liar who did not leave Green Bay like he said he would. Maybe he will sabotage the Packers' season because they traded Davante Adams?
VERDICT: While the Bears put up a fight, Rodgers has gone into playoff mode and takes care of business at Soldier Field.
Bears Record: 6-6-1
Week 15: Bears vs. Eagles
Why The Bears Will Win
The Bears will work hard to make the Eagles one-dimensional and force Jalen Hurts to beat them with his arm.
Why The Eagles Will Win
Because Jordan Davis will blow up the Bears' offensive line every time he is on the field.
VERDICT: In one of the ugliest games of the year, the Eagles continue to torture the Bears with a narrow victory where neither offense had a good day.
Bears Record: 6-7-1
Week 16: Bears vs. Bills
Photo: Mark Konezney/USA TODAY
Why The Bears Will Win
A Christmas Eve miracle!
Why The Bills Will Win
Keeping it short and sweet on this one. Because the Bills have one of the most talented rosters in the NFL.
VERDICT: No Christmas Eve miracles here as the Bills use this game to clean some things up on their way to the playoffs.
Bears Record: 6-8-1
Week 17: Bears at Lions
Why The Bears Will Win
*SEE PREVIOUS ENTRY*
Why The Lions Will Win
Tough to win when you haven't got any kneecaps.
VERDICT: With the Bears resting up some injured players after being eliminated from the playoffs, the Lions win this one in Detroit.
Bears Record: 6-9-1
Week 18: Bears vs. Vikings
Why The Bears Will Win
The Vikings are cursed when it comes to playing at Soldier Field. Since 2000, the Bears are 16-6 at home against Minnesota. In fact, the last time Minnesota beat the Bears by more than one score at Soldier Field was in 2000. And yeah, I am aware that the Bears have dropped two in a row at home against the Vikings. But that trend proves to be short-lived in 2022 (technically 2023 at this point in the schedule).
Why The Vikings Will Win
Because Kirk Cousins tends to be very good in meaningless games.
VERDICT: In a meaningless season finale, the Bears show up with more fight and come away with the late-season victory.
Bears Record: 7-9-1
